The Mysterious Case of Missing Self Esteem
Sometimes I read something that gives an opportunity to publicise and share things that will help people. For instance, this week the BBC website published an interesting story about obesity (click to read it here) that got me thinking about about the mysterious substance we refer to as self esteem.
self esteem is one of these things people talk about all the time and 99% of the time they talk about how scarce it is; “I have low self esteem”, “I lack self esteem”. I cannot think of a time when I have heard someone declare how good they feel because their ’self esteem is at an all time high!’.
So what is this remarkable substance ’self esteem’ and why is it we never have it, we only ever don’t have it? What does it look like and has anyone ever found a big pile of all the self esteem that has been lost over the years? Is it next to a pile of odd socks that go disappearing mysteriously from the washing machine! What if one day a scientist watching the results of the latest experiment in the Large Hadron Collider suddenly notices a small smiling particle that feels really good about itself…could it be self esteem? Sorry, I digress, but this stuff is rare you know.
For what it’s worth here’s my thoughts, self esteem doesn’t actually exist. That’s why you can never have it, you have never found more than a little temporary bit of it and you have never met anyone with enough to give away.
What we refer to as ’self esteem’ is really a large collection of feelings, thoughts and beliefs that combine to create the holistic, internal image we hold of ourselves. If that image isn’t positive then we call that low self esteem. If it is, we call it a million other things but never self esteem.
Why? Well, when we label things it makes it easier to handle. We all know loads of people that have low self esteem and it’s far easier to say ‘I lack self esteem’ than to admit to our friends, colleagues and loved ones that when we think of ourselves inside our heads we feel fat/ugly/stupid/sad/small/incapable/out-of-control/lonely/overwhelmed etc.
So, returning to the BBC article for a second, does low self esteem lead to obesity? The simple answer is no. What causes obesity is a collection of painful feelings about ourselves that lead to an unfulfilled emotional need that becomes fulfilled at some level by using food as a tool.
In my eyes, obesity is the food borne equivalent of the heavy drinker or the smoker or the person taking too many drugs. All of these things are linked to an emotional need and when we don’t get that need met we call it ‘low self esteem’. It’s just the tool the person has learned to use to make themselves feel better that differs.
And there is the key; ‘learned to use’. Anything that is learned can be unlearned or you can learn to do something else instead.
I have worked with many people who have learned how to do low self esteem and there is one key that starts the whole recovery process.
Honesty.
So, starting today with yourself, I want you to be honest about what low self esteem is to you and start working on it by actually taking action to combat it. I’ve included links below to some resources that you may find useful in finding the first step on your path. Until then…
Be Yourself
Brian
PS Remember, if you want to speak personally about your situation call me on 01505 342 457 and I will meet you for coffee and discuss how NLP can help you get to where you want to be. Check out exactly what I do and how I do it by going to www.briancostello.co.uk
