When was the last time you received an injection (or a ‘jag’ as we call it in Scotland)? Maybe before a holiday, or because of an illness? You might be one of those people that have syringes as part of your daily life and routine or maybe you’ve not had one in ages. What I’m actually wondering, as you read this, is if you would say, when faced with the prospect of an injection, that you are scared of needles!

The reason being, in my experience people are very rarely scared of needles. In reality, they are scared about what the needle might do to them! It’s true isn’t it? People who say they are scared of needles are, generally speaking, absolutely fine when the needle is sitting on a table and nothing to do with them or if they see a nice, innocent sewing needle. It’s when the needle is pointing at their arm, leg or other fleshy area that the fear kicks in.

IMAGINATION

Our minds are superb at imagination and we have the incredible ability to imagine in all our senses. We can imagine how good something might taste, we can imagine how something might smell, we can imagine how something might look or sound and, most importantly, we can imagine how something might feel. But, there is one really important word in all of those phrases…might!

The reality is we can never know for certain what something will look, sound, taste, smell or feel like. It is near impossible to imagine something and not be at least slightly off. In fact, in almost all cases when we imagine something we are wrong, to some degree at least.

So when we are there, our arm exposed and the needle approaching, we begin to imagine how this super fine, ridiculously sharp needle might feel when it penetrates our skin. Our minds begin to turn the tiny needle into something resembling the size and width of a sharpened drinking straw, we imagine the searing pain as this HUGE needle rips open our skin and this, as you would expect, this causes our bodies to react in preparation for this torture. Our muscles tense, our breathing goes haywire and, before we know it, we’re in a terrible state telling people how we are scared of needles…when actually we’re scared of our own imaginations.

I NEED A…

This is true for our whole lives. We imagine how painful things might be when, in reality, we can handle them easily. For instance, we tell ourselves that we need to have a partner/cigarette/drink/holiday (delete as applicable to you!), when in reality we have lived, are living or could live a perfectly good life without it. It is the thought that is causing the pain, not the reality of the situation.

For many people the only thing that stops them getting all the success they want, the partner they want, the job they want, the life they want is their own imagination. Our own minds are the force that holds us back, nothing else.

SOMETHING TO DO

So here’s a wee exercise that I do on many of my courses to start the ball rolling on taking back some power over your own imagination:

1. Think of something you have really wanted for a long time and haven’t got yet

2. Write down anything bad, negative or painful that you imagine might happen if you went and got this now (take about 3 minutes, write quickly!)

3. Check the time

4. Imagining that you have this thing you want in your life right now, write down anything good, positive or pleasurable that you imagine having it might bring you

5. Looking at the 2 lists, ask yourself. Which is more important to me and which would bring me more of what i want? Avoiding the painful things or going for the pleasurable things?

6. Realise that you are not scared or anxious about the actual thing itself but only about the thoughts you have about it and go take some action!

It is often the case that we imagine more pain with going and getting the things we want than is actually there in reality. When we focus on the end game, imagining the great things that will occur then we can create some incredible things.

Now, go take your medicine and I’ll see you back here next time!!

After the last time when I chatted about the ways Self Esteem affects our lives, I happened past a video about another construction that we prefix with ‘Self’, the almost physical feeling of Self Control.

I recently overheard someone talk in a cafe about a friend’s inability to exercise any of this ethereal talent that we are all expected to be instant masters in applying. I am still wondering exactly how this person’s inability to exercise their ’self control’ affected them or their friend and I’ve got to admit to being strangely intrigued as to what form this ‘lack of self control’ took and exactly how it affected them.

Was it a food stuff that rendered them helpless to temptation or perhaps it surrounded a member (or members!) of the opposite sex, maybe it was alcohol or shopping or even it could have been violence, anger or even a crazy dance in the middle of a dance floor. I wonder!

So let’s think about it, what is ‘Self Control’? To me ‘Self Control’ is the ability to really want something and then deliberately not have it due to the perception that something negative will occur if you were to indulge. For instance, you see the chocolate cake, you really want the chocolate cake but you deny yourself the pleasure and exercise ’self control’ because you imagine that the cake will cause you to gain weight, inches or, god forbid, both!

This is great. For many of us we really do need this in certain places in our lives. That ‘just one for the road’ mentality or reaching the ‘point of no return’ have been the undoing of many an evening, relationship, diet, career or worse.

The problem about Self Control is that, in certain contexts, so many of us feel bad about what we’ve done whether we exercise ’self control’ or not!

What I mean is, we have the chocolate cake and we feel sh**ty because we will pile on those ounces or inches or we don’t have the chocolate cake and we feel sh**ty because it looked so bleeding delicious and we feel as if we missed out on the joy!!

Have you noticed the pattern? Self Control is only difficult because we focus on the pain that we have gained and the pleasure we have missed rather than the pleasure we will gain and the pain we have avoided.

So here’s something for you to start making Self Control easier;

1. Understand that the urge you are feeling has a positive intention and your mind believes it is helping and protecting you

yourself, “If I do this how will I feel about 30 seconds after it is done?”

3. Make a decision based on that

4. Focus your mind on the benefits of the choice you have made, accept the decision and move on

In practice; you see/smell/witness the chocolate cake and you are not even hungry. But, it looks goooood! Your mind quickly remembers all the pleasures it has had from cake in the past and therefore you begin to feel a motivation to have that pleasure again. It is understandable, isn’t it?

You ask yourself, “If I do this how will I feel about 30 seconds after it is done?”. You get the answer, ‘I will gain momentary pleasure from having the cake and after that I will feel sluggish, a come down off the sugar and I may even feel bagged up.’

You make the decision not to have it and feel good in the knowledge that you feel light, alert and you always have the opportunity to have the cake tomorrow.

Want to see this whole process in action and performed brilliantly (by most anyway!)? Click here to watch the most charming, incredible video and remember no marshmallows once it’s done!

I like the thought of having a TED Talk Corner, don’t you! I think this may become a regular feature!

This time I include one of my all time favourite TED talks and if you have seen it before I urge you to watch it again as i promise you will learn something new.

Jill Bolte Taylor is a neuroscientist who had the amazing fortune (not a misprint) to have a stroke. While having this stroke she was able to ‘watch’ as her brain functions began to shut down one by one and in this talk she discusses the incredible 20 minutes that changed her life.

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A really incredible talk. Take the time out, watch, enjoy and feel free to discuss at Mastering Happiness - The HeadStrong Blog.

The Mysterious Case of Missing Self Esteem

Sometimes I read something that gives an opportunity to publicise and share things that will help people. For instance, this week the BBC website published an interesting story about obesity (click to read it here) that got me thinking about about the mysterious substance we refer to as self esteem.

self esteem is one of these things people talk about all the time and 99% of the time they talk about how scarce it is; “I have low self esteem”, “I lack self esteem”. I cannot think of a time when I have heard someone declare how good they feel because their ’self esteem is at an all time high!’.

So what is this remarkable substance ’self esteem’ and why is it we never have it, we only ever don’t have it? What does it look like and has anyone ever found a big pile of all the self esteem that has been lost over the years? Is it next to a pile of odd socks that go disappearing mysteriously from the washing machine! What if one day a scientist watching the results of the latest experiment in the Large Hadron Collider suddenly notices a small smiling particle that feels really good about itself…could it be self esteem? Sorry, I digress, but this stuff is rare you know.

For what it’s worth here’s my thoughts, self esteem doesn’t actually exist. That’s why you can never have it, you have never found more than a little temporary bit of it and you have never met anyone with enough to give away.

What we refer to as ’self esteem’ is really a large collection of feelings, thoughts and beliefs that combine to create the holistic, internal image we hold of ourselves. If that image isn’t positive then we call that low self esteem. If it is, we call it a million other things but never self esteem.

Why? Well, when we label things it makes it easier to handle. We all know loads of people that have low self esteem and it’s far easier to say ‘I lack self esteem’ than to admit to our friends, colleagues and loved ones that when we think of ourselves inside our heads we feel fat/ugly/stupid/sad/small/incapable/out-of-control/lonely/overwhelmed etc.

So, returning to the BBC article for a second, does low self esteem lead to obesity? The simple answer is no. What causes obesity is a collection of painful feelings about ourselves that lead to an unfulfilled emotional need that becomes fulfilled at some level by using food as a tool.

In my eyes, obesity is the food borne equivalent of the heavy drinker or the smoker or the person taking too many drugs. All of these things are linked to an emotional need and when we don’t get that need met we call it ‘low self esteem’. It’s just the tool the person has learned to use to make themselves feel better that differs.

And there is the key; ‘learned to use’. Anything that is learned can be unlearned or you can learn to do something else instead.

I have worked with many people who have learned how to do low self esteem and there is one key that starts the whole recovery process.

Honesty.

So, starting today with yourself, I want you to be honest about what low self esteem is to you and start working on it by actually taking action to combat it. I’ve included links below to some resources that you may find useful in finding the first step on your path. Until then…

Be Yourself

Brian

PS Remember, if you want to speak personally about your situation call me on 01505 342 457 and I will meet you for coffee and discuss how NLP can help you get to where you want to be. Check out exactly what I do and how I do it by going to www.briancostello.co.uk