After the last time when I chatted about the ways Self Esteem affects our lives, I happened past a video about another construction that we prefix with ‘Self’, the almost physical feeling of Self Control.

I recently overheard someone talk in a cafe about a friend’s inability to exercise any of this ethereal talent that we are all expected to be instant masters in applying. I am still wondering exactly how this person’s inability to exercise their ’self control’ affected them or their friend and I’ve got to admit to being strangely intrigued as to what form this ‘lack of self control’ took and exactly how it affected them.

Was it a food stuff that rendered them helpless to temptation or perhaps it surrounded a member (or members!) of the opposite sex, maybe it was alcohol or shopping or even it could have been violence, anger or even a crazy dance in the middle of a dance floor. I wonder!

So let’s think about it, what is ‘Self Control’? To me ‘Self Control’ is the ability to really want something and then deliberately not have it due to the perception that something negative will occur if you were to indulge. For instance, you see the chocolate cake, you really want the chocolate cake but you deny yourself the pleasure and exercise ’self control’ because you imagine that the cake will cause you to gain weight, inches or, god forbid, both!

This is great. For many of us we really do need this in certain places in our lives. That ‘just one for the road’ mentality or reaching the ‘point of no return’ have been the undoing of many an evening, relationship, diet, career or worse.

The problem about Self Control is that, in certain contexts, so many of us feel bad about what we’ve done whether we exercise ’self control’ or not!

What I mean is, we have the chocolate cake and we feel sh**ty because we will pile on those ounces or inches or we don’t have the chocolate cake and we feel sh**ty because it looked so bleeding delicious and we feel as if we missed out on the joy!!

Have you noticed the pattern? Self Control is only difficult because we focus on the pain that we have gained and the pleasure we have missed rather than the pleasure we will gain and the pain we have avoided.

So here’s something for you to start making Self Control easier;

1. Understand that the urge you are feeling has a positive intention and your mind believes it is helping and protecting you

yourself, “If I do this how will I feel about 30 seconds after it is done?”

3. Make a decision based on that

4. Focus your mind on the benefits of the choice you have made, accept the decision and move on

In practice; you see/smell/witness the chocolate cake and you are not even hungry. But, it looks goooood! Your mind quickly remembers all the pleasures it has had from cake in the past and therefore you begin to feel a motivation to have that pleasure again. It is understandable, isn’t it?

You ask yourself, “If I do this how will I feel about 30 seconds after it is done?”. You get the answer, ‘I will gain momentary pleasure from having the cake and after that I will feel sluggish, a come down off the sugar and I may even feel bagged up.’

You make the decision not to have it and feel good in the knowledge that you feel light, alert and you always have the opportunity to have the cake tomorrow.

Want to see this whole process in action and performed brilliantly (by most anyway!)? Click here to watch the most charming, incredible video and remember no marshmallows once it’s done!

I like the thought of having a TED Talk Corner, don’t you! I think this may become a regular feature!

This time I include one of my all time favourite TED talks and if you have seen it before I urge you to watch it again as i promise you will learn something new.

Jill Bolte Taylor is a neuroscientist who had the amazing fortune (not a misprint) to have a stroke. While having this stroke she was able to ‘watch’ as her brain functions began to shut down one by one and in this talk she discusses the incredible 20 minutes that changed her life.

embedded by Embedded Video
Download Video

A really incredible talk. Take the time out, watch, enjoy and feel free to discuss at Mastering Happiness - The HeadStrong Blog.

Sometimes in life we meet people and a bond is formed.  I know you’ve experienced that at some point in your life.  Quite often bonds need to be broken for one reason or another.  I know you’ve experienced that as well!

But it is those bonds that remain strong over time and space that are the most important.

Think of the friends that still remain strong in our hearts even after many years.  Think of the family that we are separated from by oceans and time zones yet the love we share remains as strong as ever.  Think of that one special person in your life that was more important and pivotal than all the rest.

Yet, as people, we forget how strong these bonds can be.  We lose touch and drift apart and still those bonds are always there.  At times we maybe even let ourselves wonder if the bonds are as strong for the other person as they are for us and all the time we think about that person we send pulses of energy across those bonds.

The Ancient (and I would bet some modern) Hawaiians believe that everyone you have ever loved, known, touched or passed a thought on are connected to you by cords made of an invisible substance called ‘aka‘.

These ‘aka’ cords can conduct energy both positive and negative either towards or away from you.

For example, have you ever been around someone who is low on energy or has a real negative outlook and felt yourself being drained the longer you spent in their presence?  Sometimes, and I don’t know if you’ve had this experience, when you think of that person after the event you still feel the life being drained from you.

On the flip side of course, have you ever been in the presence of someone with a strong, positive energy, someone who, to you, is a real inspiration and  you feel as if your ‘tank’ is being filled as you feel better than ever.  Again, after the event when you talk about them you can become re-inspired and re-energised?

The Hawaiian belief is that what you are feeling is energy passing through these aka cords.  Positive and Negative.  Towards and Away.

The more positive energy that flows from and towards you the better.  Those of us that are surrounded by the flow of negative energy will feel it’s effects in every area of our lives.

I’ve always found this belief to have a real resonance with me.  I love its simplicity and its deep profundity.   Ever since hearing it for the first time I have found more and more reasons to share it and live as if it were true.

There’s 5 simple things you can do to make sure you are keeping your connections clean:

1. Choose your friends carefully - Are you surrounded by energy givers or energy takers?  Think about your friends and the people you spend most time with, do they inspire and motivate you to become a better person or are they slowly stealing your soul?  It is all too easy to fall into patterns of negativity when those around us are doing the same.  Break the mould.  Spend more time around people who are doing what you want to do and taking action to change it.

2. Be positive - Whatever you give out you will receive back.  Have you ever noticed how people will flock to those with a similar energy, e.g. the groups of ‘doom and gloomers’ smoking outside the office, the groups of power lunchers with their Blackberrys bleeping in the pub?  Therefore, what can you begin to attract if you give out positivity as a habit?  Become a magnet for inspiration, become a beacon for happiness.

3. Focus on the positive - I’ve said this before and it’s important, so I’ll say it again!  Stay focused on what you want even when the sh!t hits the fan and you will connect to those that can make it happen.  Deal with business, do what you need to do to handle any crisis and always, always, always keep your focus on the end game.  In your head, run the picture of the dream not the nightmare and you will connect to angels rather than demons.

4. Cut negative connections - We cannot not make some negative connections at some time in our lives, it’s having the presence of mind to cut those connections that makes the difference.  There is an ancient Hawaiian technique called Ho’oPonoPono (pronounced Ho-o Pone-o Pone-o) that involves cutting old and negative cords, severing the connection and giving space to create more positive connections as you move into your future.  The key to this technique is simple, forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a powerful, healing and positive energy.

If you can think of a negative connection you have now, here’s how to break it simply and quickly. (Note: This is not Ho’oPonoPono, just a simple visualisation with a similar effect.  If you are interested in experiencing the full benefit of Ho’oPonoPono look at the bottom of the posting)

Find a spot where you can sit quietly and relax.  In your mind, imagine passing true, heartfelt forgiveness back along that connection.  Picture it in your mind, feel it leaving your heart and filling the connection.  What colour would it be?  What sound would it make?  Allow the forgiveness to continue to flow.  If there are any blockages then blow them out with the strength of your forgiveness.  Keep going, keep visualising until the connection has broken.  The more genuine and heartfelt your forgiveness the quicker the disconnect.

5.  Cherish every good connection you make - There are people you will meet in life whose influence on you will last a lifetime.  It is these connections that life is all about.  You will feel when these connections are made and you will feel when these connections are tested.  Cherish and protect these connections as if they were your own root system.  Spend time feeding them and making them stronger, acknowledge when they have been neglected, ignored or treated badly, understand the influence and effect that these connections have on your life and the lives of all the other people you are connected to, always know that these connections are as vital to your success as your mind and your heart.

Try these 5 things on for 2 weeks and notice if you find a dramatic increase in your energy levels and, if you do, reward yourself for making a positive difference to your life.

It is important to remember, life is for living but trying to live it alone isn’t easy.  Getting out there, connecting, loving, growing and succeeding are the basis of a fulfilling life.  Know that you will attract positive connections to your life if you focus on what you want rather than what you don’t and sever those connections that no longer serve you.

Before I sign off, I started this post with the intention of showing you this video and I think it’s a fitting metaphor for everything you now understand (the soundtrack is not my bag at all, you might want to mute your speakers!!)

After I watched it, it made me think of one or two questions that you might like to ask yourself now;

• Who do you think has forgotten you?
• What if they are just waiting for you to get in touch thinking you’ve forgotten them?
• How long are you willing to wait before you find out?

Sayonara my friends

Brian

Click here to find out more about experiencing the full power of Ho’oPonoPono

So how acute are your senses?  Are you good at spotting things?

Watch this video and put it to the test.

What have you not noticed today?

Brian